10th Nov, 07

It's already two days since I got message from Anita. May be she couldn't access to internet. The connection there is not at all reliable. May be she went to Gauriganj for Tihar. It's Bhaitika tomorrow. There's no internet at home there. She could have emailed me a message informing me of it. 'Why' has been worrying me so much. I needed to talk about the granny's picture for my writing. The scanned copy of her citizenship. And a few of her photos.

I hope to hear from her today.

6th Nov, 07

I was walking along Pantygwydr Road, on my way to the university. I was almost rushing as I had to reach the library earlier than my usual time and find some picture on the internet for Stevie's class. The picture or a document relating to family history. I noticed an old woman standing on the other side of the road. She was holding something on the wall. As she saw me, she called out to me. I looked at her, and pictured my grandmother. 'Could you help me reach the bottom of the road? My legs are trembling terribly' she said. I approached her and held her hands. She was shaking so much that she would have lost balance and fallen down in a few minutes time. She was slender like Dikura. Her hands and the wrinkled skin on her hand was similar to that of Dikura. Not only was I overwhelmed by compassion, but also a feeling of contentment.

'I fell on my knees; that is why. Sorry, I delayed you.'
'It's ok.' I said.
I thought, had she been my grandmother, my mother or my sister-in-law or my nephew would have been leading her. Dikura was never left unattended, until the last minute of her life.

We reached the bottom of the road but she needed to go further. I couldn't part with her as she couldn't go further on her own. We turned round the corner and started to walk along Brandygan Avenue. She didn't tell me to leave her there and go on my way. I understood, she didn't mean to be left there. I was pleased and felt fortunate that I got an opportunity to help her a little.
I didn’t ask about her family, her name or anything. I just asked her age.
'Me? I am 77 ' she said.
'I delayed you much. I'm sorry' she repeated.
'It's ok. I am not late. I will reach you where you need to.'
I was not bothered about time. I wished to lead her longer.

We turned round another corner to the right on Bernard Street and a little further ahead there was a shop. She was to reach there.
'You started your day with a good job today', she said. I nodded.
I helped her into the entrance and parted. On my way to the university I kept reflecting on my grandmother and her final days. How her body gradually weathered. How her white hair again began to turn black. How she became child like. How she often threw tantrums and demanded this and that. How life completes a full circle.

5th Nov, 07

I have not written a good paragraph yet. I am supposed be half way through by now. I think of my grandmother and her casual talks. They do not make any sequential thing. And most importantly I cannot trust my memory. I trust my imagination but not memory. But I need memory and facts more than the imagination to get on with this portfolio. I wrote to Anita a week back but she has her own limitations. She has a residence problem and she is combating the new situation. I am here and I have left her with the sons there. She needs to look after them and cook and feed them, ready the elder for school, send him and follow his assignments. I was left in trauma when I read her email some days back:

Baaba, I can't remember any moments of delight that we shared together. In my life there are only these two rooms and kitchen and the tention of the boys. I can't bring to my memory your face. I sometimes feel we will never meet again. How the living could be ahead. Let's go on waiting and seeing.
Baaba, I just felt so today and felt like writing this. Don't mind, Ok ? -Anita

After this I did not talk of my research with her some days. Thought this would just add to her troubles. And next day I arranged an online chat with her. Then I came to know that she had a problem with living there. The hotel downstairs was the cause of her distress. People got drunk and had a row every night. She felt lonely and insecure. The location there is a bit off centre and away from her maternal sisters' houses. Then I came to know that the sisters found another room to let her in near them where she felt better and secured. Then one day she wrote to me that she is getting shifted there.

After she shifted there she wrote to me that she is happy now. Then I followed up with my project. I sent a string of questions for her to research and write me back. To this she replied:

baba
we are fine.
yesterday you sent me massage in mobile & it deliver at 2.30 at night . there was one sentance 'help me ' so I did not understand & I connected net at night . I read mail & I feel better & slept.
yesterday in evening mama ghar ko aama khata bata ladnu bhayo ra aaakchine sabai lai tention bhayo tara naramro kehi bhayona .
tomorrow I am going to chandragadi there is puran .
today dadi is here .

today I talked in chuthai but nobody knows about that all quesrion' s answer. so I have to go to biratnagar to meet grandma's sister .
but sanubuha saggust me to goto chuthai first . so we all both family are going to chuthai tomorrow evening . he wil call everybody in our home he will ask that question he already convert that question into story and then .we will note down . if i cant get write answer then i will go to biratnagar.
dont worry i will manage.
sorry for late because last week I had tention about room . so I couldnot do . now I am free i will do this work at any cost .

other thing is fine
when I will ger answer I will send imediately
ok bye
anu

This made me feel better. I grew hopeful.